omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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