Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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