I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i wish my penis had a tongue
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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