If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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