if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize