I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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