Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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