there's paper in my vomit.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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