So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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