I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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