i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
