i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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