Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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