Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
