I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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