Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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