new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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