Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
