Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize