I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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