david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
