I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
