i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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