I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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