Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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