what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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