I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He passed out mid-signature
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
