I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
