Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
