Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Alive.
So much puke
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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