Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
