I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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