so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
