I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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