Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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