first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
