well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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