do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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