I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just blew my weed a kiss
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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