Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize