I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
