I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
