i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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