I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize