Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
