You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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