i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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