she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
