I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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