What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
please come you make the beer taste better
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
