areolas are like halos for boobs.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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