Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize