1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
