I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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