you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Randomize
