Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
