You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
