I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I look better un-naked...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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